JASMINE IN MY MIND

Nostalgia for me, with all its ephemeral flashes and thrills, is a giant lifeboat people cling on to when befuddled with too much complexity. After all, humans are no immune to challenges. As you step up the ladder of maturity, baggage can weigh you down and push you to your limits. You’ll realize that growing up is an extremely overwhelming process yet leaves you no other choice. In order to be saved, a part of you refuses to let go. A part of you is stuck in that momentary brightness when your world revolves only around the mundane.

But eventually, you make peace with the fact that this world no longer puts you at its center, and that there’s more to lollipops and colorful hairpins and fancy paper dolls. So you say goodbye to childhood and innocence. But not for long. Life pierces you to the core and you find yourself tripping down memory lane.

It became my saving grace to recount my childhood days especially when my character is put to test or when I feel like jumping off  a cliff because in it,  I seem invincible. It’s true that there are people and situations capable of prodding us to think or act negatively. No matter how hard you try, obstructions will crop up like pests ready to destroy you from full blossoming. What a feat it is to be a good person! As they say, madaling maging tao pero mahirap magpakatao ( its easy to be human, but its hard to act with dignity). I believe it’s part of this universe’s design to let humans experience conflict, otherwise we would not be able to appreciate life in its fullness.

Honestly, it’s much easier to make sense of theoretical problems than understand real-life issues. Years of training allows you to be an expert in one field or discipline. But when it comes to managing personal life, not even a hundred years of existence can make you demystify life in its totality. There’s no such thing as masters or doctoral degree courses that can provide ultimate answer to every human’s unique questions.

Yet we are also gifted with free will. Viesca expounds “no one who achieves anything significant in life gives up at times when he is supposed to stretch.  Claim your birthright to become a better person with every event that comes your way.  In those moments when things seem too complicated to understand, be thankful.”

We can create something from nothing, turn crap into a thing of value. In a sense, we all can be alchemists of destiny. Instead of relying on nostalgia which is more often than not, erroneous and escapist - we can man our future by living today and savouring the present!

I slept and woke up to find January’s gone! Am I in another timezone? Days pass by in a blink; although I’d like to think this is a good thing. One is spared from dwelling too much on a not-so-pleasant situation.

It’s still cold at dawn but mostly, cold days have started to compete with warm days. Mornings are made of lovely kaleidoscopic sun rays creeping through my windows. The market where I buy our weekly supplies bursts with an almost summer-y color as it displays baskets after baskets of ripe mangoes, pineapples, watermelons, star apples, and oranges. I bet in a few more days - flowers in different packages will be all over department stores and supermarkets.

In the same way, kite makers have probably began designing guryons, tsapi-tsapis, and boka-bokas. These are popular types of kites well-loved by both young and old. With abundant winds in our Philippine summer sky, what’ll be more perfect for kite-flying?

February, needless to say, is such a fine month. After the pocket-emptying Yuletide, here comes another season to spread happiness around us.

And since it’s almost Valentines Day, I hope it would not sound “cheesy” to talk about courtship that has become underrated and predictable these days. What with the rapid evolution of gadgets and communication devices that made everything possible in a relatively short period of time. An SMS away and you’ll have a taste of what its like to be “in a relationship”.

But have you ever wondered what its like during the old days? Our folks didn’t live long enough to tell us their love stories during the pre-war era. I look up my handy Pinoy Almanac which describe in pictures courtship talk via handkerchief and I find them soooo cute.  Here, take a peek:

If a lady presses a handkerchief on her lips, it means she agrees to exchange letters with a man.

A handkerchief pressed on the eyes means she’s lonely.

When a lady presses her handkerchief on both cheeks, it means she loves you!

When  the handkerchief is pressed on the right cheek, it means yes.

A handkerchief pressed on the left cheek means no.

A handkerchief pressed on the shoulder means ‘follow me’

A handkerchief knotted on the fingers means “I am married/taken. Sorry”

A Facebook friend’s status reads: “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; He who makes one is a fool. (FM Knowles)”. Somehow it made me a bit hesitant to do a blog entry on this.

A resolution, most of the time is like a wick in an oil lamp, burning passionately at the beginning, then fading off quickly afterwards. Nevertheless, it doesn’t make one less of a person to (still) practice writing a resolution, if only to build some sense of perspective.

A New Year’s resolution represents a “commitment”. Wikipedia points to it as something that most of us make to a project which may be long term or short term. It can also mean the reforming of a habit, often a lifestyle change that is generally interpreted as advantageous.

As the calendar marks the unfolding of a new year, we often come up with numerous lists as a way to start the year right. However, the very act of enumerating too much makes it harder to accomplish, thus rendering itself irrelevant. It takes a lot of hard work to stick and make things happen as planned. In my experience, it’s another story. I don’t know why. Maybe because of my rebellious nature. I seem to defy even my own rules. Does that make my resolutions irrelevant then? Obviously.

But I really would want to revive a few things about myself. These made me appreciate my existence better. Maybe if I go back to doing them in the coming years, I’d find more essence in this world. Zenhabits provided practical tips and guide on how to stick to a new year’s resolution. Accordingly, you must limit your resolution to six (6 changes method), meaning you have to pick ONLY six habits that you deem doable.

This year, I would love to:

1. Revive my knowledge on Pranic Healing. Some time ago, hubby and I attended a workshop on pranic healing, an ancient method of energy healing introduced by Master Choa Kuk Sui. A holistic form of healing, pranic does not rely on drugs but on raw energies around us. Through the years, my husband continuously applied this to our children and it has done wonders. They instantly felt relieved after swipes of negative energies are released. I, on the other hand, halted after I had a job in Manila. My hectic work schedule and shaky moods prevented me from doing so. One has to be emotionally stable to be able to do pranic healing. I hope this year I can do it again.

2. Go places. I used to travel as part of my job, but it was spent mostly on the ‘work’ aspect. I wish I had documented them and squeezed a little time to go to the nearest tourist spots. Well it isn’t too late yet.

3. Work with the youth. I find their vigor and energy monumentally refreshing and contagious. When I am with young people (as with my students) its as if I’m living each day like it was my FIRST. As opposed to the adage that goes ‘live each day as if it were your last’, the former makes you see each day free from all the pain, heartache and disappointments that can weigh you down.

4. Brush up on my language skills. Hmmm, this one is self-explanatory.

5. Save. Impulsive buyer that I am, saving is non-existent in my vocabulary. I practically am mad at money! You see, they don’t stay long in my wallet. I wonder why. Haha. Oh well, that maybe because of my husband who’s exactly my opposite. I better learn from him this time.

6. Improve sleep habits. These days I hardly sleep at all. My eyebags have started to become maletas (travelling bags!), good enough to house a week-worth of travel clothes. To do that means fixing my erratic schedule first. Battle cry should be sleep early, wake up early!

Have a Prosperous 2010 folks!

When was the last time you ever wrote a wish list? I do mine annually. In fact, I have a collection of planners (from Good Housekeeping December issues) that bore all such lists. The oldest GH planner I have was acquired around eight years ago.

Funny but I never tire of writing them down though the probability of them happening sometimes seemed impossible. However, its funnier to discover that they do come true. Law of attraction at work, I guess. Lists are like magnets. You somehow direct what you want towards your way.

This time, I really really am wanting to have these:

1. a 5-speed electric hand mixer.  We are a sweets-loving bunch here. I mean, the kids and myself. With a handy mixer — whipping recipes can be a breeze. I always get frustrated when I prepare leche flan and the result resembles a “bibingka”!

2. a set of champagne glasses. Comes handy whenever we feel like being romantic, which we are most of the time. Ehem. Pour the wine, honey…

3. tiered trays. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not pursuing a career in catering business. I only find tiered trays lovely for deserts and appetizers.

4. turbo broiler. Actually, I was inspired to have one after seeing my mother prepare almost all kinds of food: chicken, pork, cake, suman. Amazing huh. Plus I have read somewhere that its a must for all Pinoy households.

5. chip for my magic sing. Need I say that I love singing to the hilt? Most of the songs contained in my magic sing are unfamiliar. There are only a handful that I know and I’m afraid the neighborhood are already raising their eyebrows every time my “sumpong” to have a concert rears its head. I can almost hear them say “Beetles again?” or “Mariah Carey na naman?”.

Thats all.

Remember those funny letters circulating all over the net? Here’s a sample:

To Myla,

I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason you can think about but you’re very fat body. I’m thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I’m realize that he really can’t not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you’re habit of making pakialam all his walks and always calling to their house what time he go home or this or that and then he say he get ashame to met you iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you’re very, very, very fat body but you hate it you thoughth you’re the most prettiest girls he know about what do you think you are “Beautiful Girl” of Jose Mari Chan even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the rigth to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I’m never call you names before iether in front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I’m don’t have any other choice but to called you other different name to like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you’re body that is to a BUDING. You can’t not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I’m am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror. I’m repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.

FROM: THE SEXIEST GIRL OF D.M.

Ps. You say that I’m the bad breathe but who is Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me.

Well, I found a real one today (meaning, not via the net but written the old fashioned way — using a stationery) although the letter does not bear the sender and recipient’s real names. I copied the content verbatim.

Enough of serious posts. I just love the intensity of this. LOL.

ASSHOLE,

I know I’ve promised you many things on your b-day but because of unavoidable son-of-a-bitch circumstances “I can’t make it this time! You can cursed me for this or just kill me for better result!! Some imbecile people had been the cause of not fulfilling this promise to you. You foolishly know it!

Anyway thanks again for your idiotic advice that made me advanced to a higher level of understanding and coping up to this bullshit life - before I am also an idiot, now I am already a stupid moron.

Thanks also for imbecilistically ignoring me whenever I’m with that stuck-up (group) where we stubbornly belong…you made me try desperately some violent effort to overcome those implicit solicitude of mine. I am thankful though it is detrimenting.

Because of confessing your bullshit love to me…you stupidly become aloof…Huh, I must dumbly admit that it has been a part of my dumb life.

Anyway, happy natal day and may God bless your f@%&ng life.

Did you enjoy reading this stupid and unfathomable letter of an irrational person like me?

Insensately yours,

MIDGET
3-14-1997
8:30 p.m.

How sweeeeet!

What a year 2009 was for Filipinos!

It’s as if all the constellations conspired to mess up and displace balance and harmony in this world. Like everyone else, I am fervently wishing for this chaos to be over soon. However much you decide to be positive — when you witness all these kinds of violence, there’s no way you can attain serenity. The recent Maguindanao carnage is a fitting culmination to what this country is experiencing. When you look back, 2009 has  represented nothing but the dismal spectre of death.  Its harrowing presence chills my spine. Give me some good reasons to be optimistic about. Oh sure, call me pessimistic. Tell me I’m looking at it half-empty and not half full. But how else can you explain this year’s ghoulish state? Oh yeah, there were certainly big-time awards gotten by Pinoys here and there (Brillantes,  Penaflorida, etc) and it makes me so proud, but sadly they appear irrelevant once you factor in all the bad-lucks that befell this country.

What do you think 2009 is?

2009 is Ondoy and Pepeng. 2009 is abducted journalists and punished civil society advocates. 2009 is economic recession. 2009 is food shortage. 2009 is poverty multiplied ten times. 2009 is controversial electioneering. 2009 is AH1N1 virus.

But the most heartbreaking (and perhaps the ghastliest) was all over the news last Monday — the election-related Maguindanao massacre that ended the lives of some fifty lawyers, journalists, politicians, and civilians in Mindanao. This time, no one can point to it as mere sensational news casting or news writing. This is reality. This is OUR reality. How can our leaders sleep in peace knowing that lurking out there are demons ready to kill at the slightest sign of opposition? Do they even know what conscience means? Why do they have to treat the perpetrators like kings and leave the victims clamoring for justice? These killers are no humans! I thought such forms of power-tripping monsters only happen in movies. What’s missing though are real leaders and policy-makers who can put this pandemonium to rest. In that analogy, movies become superior.

Looking at the excavated cadavers, I felt how it must have been with the families they left, or the many other people who will benefit from their good will in the future. I may not have blood-relations with the victims. But we all share in the blood that runs within our veins. We are, after all, Filipinos. Let this chaos end. Please, let there be no more of these misfortunes in 2010.

Ang showbiz-showbiz!

That’s hubby talking to himself. I wonder if he’s referring to the current Manny-Krista tryst and Jinkee’s crying scenes everyone’s been buzzing about or if he’s figuring out what to type on his status update . Knowing his calibre though, most likely the answer is none of the above. Ask, I dared not to. There’s no point in questioning every time our thoughts aren’t on the same frequency level. We’re entitled to our own privacy, right?

Through time, I have learned not to be critical when he sometimes quarrel, debate, or accede to the other HIM. I’ve only known that he does that after our courtship stage. Was I surprised? Definitely not. Up until today, I am puzzled NOT by his behavior but by the  gray matter inside his huge head. Me thinks his self-talking has a direct correlation with his creative side. His muse needs no further tapping, unlike mine that’s infernally difficult to conjure. Darn, he can sit down in less than 30 minutes and creativity flows in his head down to his fingers, pounding on the keyboard. Just…like…that!

Its easy to brand or label such behavior as disturbing, something irritating or embarrassing. Pathological even! But for me what matters is the fact that he’s successfully able to vault aside issues and problems, domestic or career-wise. Talking to self is simply thinking out loud. People do that. But the difference, I guess, is the extent to which self-talking is done  and to what is being talked about. Some experts say this is also a way for people to organize their thoughts. There are also certain claims this may be the highest form of intelligence. Self-talking or not — he’s okay. I mean, he doesn’t get weird looks when he’s walking around!

As for myself, I also have my own eccentric behavior. Growing up has cloaked some of them or was underplayed to the point of non-recognizance. Not when I saw them in my daughter, who didn’t even know I did what she does now. One time I saw my daughter writing something on air. I was amazed because I used to behave that way. The wind knew all my childish wish, joys, pains, and desires. It became my journal. But I lost the habit after stepping in high school and college. Writing on air, like hubby’s self-talking was my way to unleash creativity. No wonder I can craft poems and sketch better as a kid.

By the way, I found some tips on how a creative mindset is nurtured (from the Scientific American Mind magazine, Vol. 16, No. 1; 2005)

Wonderment. Try to regain a spirit of discovery, a childlike curiosity about the world. And question understandings that others considers “obvious”.

Motivation. As soon as a spark of interest arises in something, follow it.

Intellectual courage. Strive to think outside accepted principles and habitual perspectives such as “we’ve always done it that way”.

Relaxation. Take the time to daydream and ponder, because that is often when the best ideas arise. Look for ways to relax and consciously put them into practice!

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, ‘people without lives.’ We don’t care. We have each other.” Dave Barry

The year was 1998. I was in the process of swiftly transitioning from that of a college student to my first serious job as a project officer in a non-government organization. It was also the same year that began my affair with the Internet, courtesy of then boyfriend Jun who was an exchange student in Denmark. Out of fear perhaps that we don’t get to communicate (meaning, I bump my head into concrete wall and wake up I was no longer inlabs! or the other way around) — he introduced me to the world of emails, chatrooms, etc. Exchanging messages via Internet was also convenient and less expensive compared to mails you have to bring to the post office.

His emails and snail mails, I remember, contained the ABCs of cyber lingo. BRB, ASL, BBS, BTW, FYI. He also taught me the basics of navigating the net. Nowadays people no longer encounter difficulty understanding these acronyms. But decades ago, it was alienating as it sounds. So I never really took it seriously. An MIS staff from the office would hand me a printed copy of his emails because I have a hard time trying it by myself.  Imagine the shame of having to know somebody has read his supposed to be intimate messages. Harhar. Ang bastos pa naman nitong computer guy na to. Oh go and read his poems!

In short, my first encounter with Internet wasn’t really that nice. It was only years later when I appreciated its benefits despite the dangers it poses to net users. The net can be a great leveler as it provides access to information for everyone regardless of race, skin color, education, background. These days, for ten pesos — you can use it for an hour. Some net cafe charge 15 - 25 pesos per hour. Not bad.

Various organizations and institutions also utilize the net in reaching and mobilizing the marginalized. We know that all else undergoes evolution, and if we don’t take advantage of said changes — maiiwan ka sa kangkungan. The net offers great benefits such as educational games and programs, research information, a chance to communicate with people from across the globe, can serve as a vast platform in sharing ideas and resources, etc. Recently, it served as a way to help calamity victims in the country.

The downsides though, can have the same impact as the benefits. Pornography, privacy concerns, violence, inaccurate information, cyberbullying, health risks. Aside from that and perhaps the most pressing, one who becomes too absorbed with it loses his or her social life. As Barry says, they are reduced to people who don’t have lives. In my opinion however,  whether or not you lose your life is a question of perspective. (aargghh, I am running out of things to say. I can’t even assure myself that these are blogworthy. Whatever.)

My mind resonates well with what Jimmy Paredes wrote in his book (Writing in Water, 2003) about the futility of human obsession “…on achievement and conquest, passion and purpose…”. Although he had also mentioned that such cynicism does not entirely reflect his person,  it befittingly describes how my brain operates at the moment.

The recent Ondoy tragedy never recognized who or what it will victimize. Rich or poor, brilliant or otherwise, famous or not, young and old alike – all of them did not escape its brewing wrath. Ondoy definitely is one of the biggest calamities ever to hit the country and to record destruction on an epic scale. Overnight, NCR and nearby regions became another version of New Orleans in 2005. Cars and vehicles were inundated with water and were thrown mercilessly against each other. Many homes were swept into oblivion, and a good number of our countrymen suffered greatly, some were found as dead bodies, and many are still missing at this time. There was no water to drink, no food to eat, worse – all of their sweat and blood, all of their properties were reduced into NOTHING! It happened at such a breakneck pace no one would have guessed will bring this kind of misfortune.

At exactly the same instant I saw the weeping image of a local celebrity trapped in her Marikina abode, I saw myself as a child praying hard for the countless storms not to demolish what little belonging my family owns. I grew up in this horrible spot in the Philippine map where typhoon is no big deal, mainly because it visits us as often as any ardent lover would visit his object of affection. I remember how I worried myself to death where my parents will get money for my tuition fees and that of my siblings. There were many instances we had to wait for our electricity’s restoration, sometimes waiting for half a year! Be that as it may seem, I saw the resiliency in spirit of my parents and every Bicolanos. Palay, which serves as our staple, almost always gets destroyed. But every time a storm visits us, I hear or see no complain when they start doing the planting process over and over again.

Ondoy was no different, except that, it washed away everything. It claimed innocent lives! My heart was bleeding when the TV flashes an infant wrapped in baby clothes, placed inside what looked like an ice box. And the little one seemed unperturbed by what’s going on around him (or her?). I can only wish that this child grows up to be a responsible one who will not contribute to environmental degradation. Someday, he (or she) will see that same footage.  When that time comes, may he (or she) realize the truth that what we do to our nature, ultimately comes back to us.

I am not blaming anybody. But there has to be a reason why things happen. And obviously, there has to be a shift in our mindset towards what will harm or what will be beneficial to us in the long run. Yesterday, I had a calling brigade to check if my sister and her family in Sampaloc were okay, or my brother (who was trapped in Manila to claim his last paycheck) was safe. Thank God they are doing well. My parents were like  crazy, texting me every once in a while, bugging me to find out what’s going on with my younger siblings. Sorry but that’s what you get for being the eldest child! I have another sister in Ateneo, but being super-smart that she is (except in the ‘heart’ department) –I know she’ll just be as fine.

Now,  it leaves me one more realization:  if education were a great equalizer, and so are calamities! Walang mayaman-mayaman o magaling pag nasa harap mo na ang disgrasya. Apart from praying, it wouldn’t hurt to be a little responsible so that there will no longer be Ondoys to scare us to our wits in the near future.

Any human being capable of breathing oxygen, with working neurons and thalamus glands, goes through life’s irreversible process otherwise known as ageing.  (Ooops, that’s the 50-year-old me speaking). Simply put, this condition which is as inevitable as any natural occurrence, often brings with it physical and psychological changes bound to challenge even the superpowers of Vicky Belo, Marge Holmes, and Coney Reyes combined! Unless you are suffering from extreme catatonia, or just simply in complete denial — you’ll sure come face to face with the fact that yes, we all will go there. Get ready to be alarmed by the presence of  unsightly and uninvited guests such as crows feet, skin pigmentation, bulging tummy, eyebags, loose skin, etcetera. Be prepared to wake up one day, with a dreaded expression on your face for you will stare hard at your reflection in the mirror sans the freshness and dewiness of youth. The once beautiful you becomes the vintage that has been your parents or your grandparents perhaps! Say hi to body ailments and maladies you never thought you’d meet along the way.

Science may trick us with its long list of enhancements and nutritional supplements but the truth of the matter remains. Everybody will all grow old, there’s no escaping in that.

The other day I was chatting online with good friend Marj and I was telling her maybe I’m exhibiting a few signs of such weird vintagey feeling. Hehe. The kind that makes you toink if you’re heading towards midlife crisis. Errr, take note of the ‘maybe’. At least I was still holding on to the idea that this feeling is temporary, because hello I’m still decades and decades away from that. Oh yeah defensive. Of late, I notice how my mind drifts away down memory lane. All I know is that I only watched the complete series of Grey’s Anatomy!

Kidding aside, I wonder how in the world is it for people who are fast hitting their 40s and 50s. I personally know some of the populace who seem to be “merry” despite this all-too-encompassing condition. One gay friend (uhm, ex-friend rather, haha) makes no fuss admitting to making laklak uber-expensive glutathione tabs to make his skin extra-smooth and fair, working his muscles out at gym to stay sexy and firm, and trying all sorts of health diets to possibly be delicious for his younger jowawich! To what extent are these regimen effective, I dont know. Then there are those who attempt to scale the world of their ambitions however stiff the path may be and without a life partner which is probably viewed as casual nuisance. What is it like when people in this situation stay in their room, alone and only in the company of their books or laptops or treasured memorabilia? How does it feel to be up there, moneyed, but alone and a good candidate for museum artifacts? Most of them says its lonely, but thats life. It does feels great to be in the company of bigwigs but you still have your own demons to battle with.

It wasn’t so bad with my parents who are both in their 50s at the moment. Mother is 53, but aside from occasional headaches and rare visit to clinic because of her anemia — the signs are almost inexistent. My father is 59 and also shows no sign whatsoever of, in my own lingo — arjudness. Both are fine. I wish I could age as gracefully as them. I really hope so. I am the classic case of the kid wanting to experience everything in an instant, almost adamant to jump to the next level. At 21, I felt like a spinster…would you believe? Odd, odd me. Now you know why I had a family at a young age. My contemporaries were savouring single-blessedness until late 20s to early 30s. Believe me some are even unattached after hitting the age “na wala na sa kalendaryo”, and yet they are okay. Maybe its me. Is it my own programming again? Haha. Is it my attachment to pork (which, according to hubby, is the yuckiest of all foods there is)? There’s no textbook facts to help us face this truth head-on as we all have differences. What may work for Polano and Polana may hardly do for Bruno and Bruna. Get what I mean? For instance, how can you explain the behavior of people (especially the males) hitting this age bracket who intentionally decide to have an affair after staying so long in marital bliss? That is not an accusation because I personally know of some. Where do you attribute the fact that both sexes (or all sexes? whats the most politically correct term?) suddenly have tornado-like lifestyle changes: from domesticity to a life of social extravagance! What do you have in mind when you see a 50-ish something sporting a do like some teenagers fresh from highschool?

Anyways, looking at the brighter side (ugh, yeah again) — ruminating on the future may bring light so that it’d be easier to embrace the truth or adjust when it comes knocking at my door. Acknowledge, that’s the best way. We will all grow old, experience nature’s revenge, and feel age-related discomforts. Time can tell but we may, in one way or another, resort to those I mentioned above. Perhaps even avail of beauty regimen from a renowned doctor, join spirituality programs, enroll in a health program, etc. But no matter what our choices and circumstances can be, if our lives had been lived to the fullest and with a cause (whatever that may be) — growing old isn’t as condemnable as most deem it to be. Ageing can be a beautifully enriching journey.

Now I can smile to that song line “forever young, I want to be forever young”…